On Mental Illness and Suicidal Ideation

[SEVERE TRIGGER WARNING FOR TALKS OF SUICIDE]

Image credit: Freeimages

I don't write about it much because I don't want people to see me any differently and it's not the most pleasant of blog topics, but I also don't want people to get the idea that it's shameful or wrong so I'm just going to bite the bullet and come clean.

I am mentally ill. And sometimes that means I want to die.

Formal diagnoses that I have include depression, anxiety, post traumatic stress disorder, and anorexia nervosa (though I have gotten much better at dealing with that last one over the years). Undiagnosed stuff, who the hell even knows? Basically, my brain chemistry is a terrifying cocktail of severe mental illness, with such lovely side effects as all-consuming panic attacks, abandonment issues, and wanting to die anytime I am even minorly inconvenienced.

That's not an exaggeration. I have had frequent conversations with myself that go something like...

Me: "Wow I am not looking forward to writing this essay."
Brain: "You could always just Kill Yourself."
Me: "I can't just kill myself only because I want to avoid some situation. Stop telling me to kill myself all the time."
Brain: *chanting* "Kill Yourself! Kill Yourself!"

I've developed coping mechanisms over the years. Some are healthy (journaling!), some are not so much (skipping meals!). But I want people to understand it never fully goes away. There's never going to be a 'cure', only temporary relief.

And that's okay.

Maybe someday I will kill myself, I have tried in the past, but I actually don't see myself trying again. The last few times, the knowledge that it would make Sarah sad is one thing that has kept me alive to fight another day. Which is not to say I'm only living to please her, that's not it at all, but in my darkest moments if that thought is what keeps me here I'll take it.

See, the thing is, wanting to die because I'm tired of dealing with mental illness does not directly translate to 'I'm going to kill myself right fucking now.' It's been hard to communicate this to friends who care about me, whether they are neurotypical or not. I get frustrated sometimes that I'm never going to be normal, that needing to work around my triggers is inconvenient for people I care about. I get angry at myself for being so 'weak'. But suicidal feelings don't necessarily mean imminent suicide.

I can't articulate this better, so allow a man named Will Hall to do so for me:

"Suicidal feelings are not the same as giving up on life. Suicidal feelings often express a powerful and overwhelming need for a different life. Suicidal feelings can mean, in a desperate and unyielding way, a demand for something new. Listen to someone who is suicidal and you often hear a need for change so important, so indispensable, that they would rather die than go on living without the change. And when the person feels powerless to make that change happen, they become suicidal.

Help comes when the person identifies the change they want and starts to believe it can actually happen. Whether it is overcoming an impossible family situation, making a career or study change, standing up to an oppressor, gaining relief from chronic physical pain, igniting creative inspiration, feeling less alone, or beginning to value their self worth, at the root of suicidal feelings is often powerlessness to change your life – not giving up on life itself."

Every day with mental illness is a battle. It's a cliché analogy, but it's true. Sometimes I lose the battle. Sometimes I get tired. But I'm going to keep fighting. Not just for Sarah or for my friends. But for myself. For that change that I'm starting to believe can happen.

I am mentally ill. And I'm doing my absolute best to have a good life anyway.
 -Nym-