"Purpose, It's that little flame That lights a fire Under your ass. Purpose, It keeps you going strong Like a car with a full Tank of gas. Everyone else has A purpose So what's mine?" ~ "Avenue Q"
Okay I think I'm ready to go public with this on the blog now. I've been public with my friends and family about it for about a month now, so I think it's an appropriate time. I did not get into grad school. And for awhile, it crushed me. On my personal facebook, I wrote an explanation as thus:
"Some of you know this already. Most of you don’t but I think I’m ready to go public. I did not get into the doctorate program that I applied to. The initial blow was very hard on me and caused me to become depressed. I’m still grieving it - it’s hard to come to terms with being rejected from something I wanted so bad. I do not want to talk about it. I do not want to plan next steps. I do appreciate everyone’s concern - I know I haven’t been the most fun person to be around lately because of this - but I’m simply not ready to talk about it. I’m only informing people because I’m tired of people asking me about it individually."Part of the reason it crushed me so deeply is because, well, it seemed like the logical next step in my adult life. You know, that's what archaeologists/anthropologists do. In this field you pretty much get a doctorate or you don't work as anything other than doing the grunt work for the people with doctorates.
I'd spent so long assuming I wanted this that I never once considered if I actually did or not. And - can I be real with you guys for a second here? - I'm still not sure. I have no idea if this is what I really want or if it's just what I think that I should want. Do you see the difference? Because I'm still trying to figure it out.
I know what I don't want. I don't want to be stuck working as a secretary my whole life. I don't want to wake up at 40 and realize I got stuck in a passionless life.
Right now it still hurts too much to think about any passion I may have for archaeology and the like, so I am trying to turn to other things I am passionate about:
- I was at my happiest when I gave tours at the Winchester Mystery House and, later, Hamilton Grange, so I may try to get a NYC tour guide license at some point. I am still undecided about that. I don't have a lot of free time as it is.
- I do want to write a novel. I've written for NaNoWriMo of course, but I want to write one that I actually manage to get published. I don't need it to be a Harry Potter-level bestseller. If just one person counts it as among their favourite books, that would be enough for me. I just... need to stick with an idea beyond a few chapters. (I have so many stories abandoned around chapter three.)
- I am getting deeper into my own religion. I'm considering The Troth's Lore Program and - if I complete that - their Clergy Program. One of my kinsmen will be finishing the Clergy Program soon so I may pick his brain once he does so to see if this feels right for me.
- And, if nothing else, I am passionate about cleaning up the SERIOUS plastic waste problem that is plaguing our oceans, as you all know from past entries.
|From Lonely Whale's "Museum of Plastic" pop-up|
|4Ocean supplied hemp bags.|