I am...

 I used to love the Animaniacs. I used to watch it with my father. Most of the jokes flew over my head, but I still used to love the hell out of this show.

I don't anymore.


I am 5 years old when my father takes me to a public pool. I run up to a woman in a bikini to tell her I think she's pretty. She seems flattered, but my father pulls me aside and tells me I can't do that anymore. I don't understand why.

I am 6 years old when I first learn what sex is. The older girls in the house across the street explain to me that it's when a boy puts his boy bits inside a girl's girl bits and then a baby is made. We all shriek in horror and then giggle, because the only 'boy bits' we've seen are those of our baby brothers and cousins. The very idea of it seems hilarious, and I'm just glad, at my young age, to be accepted.

I am 8 years old when I really learn what boy-girl sex is. It's not funny anymore. I'm way too young.

He is 15 or 16 at the time. The first time it happens - and there are many - the movie "Wakko's Wish" is playing on the TV in the background. He has a "Titanic" poster on his wall. I stare at it the whole time.

To this day I still cannot watch either "Titanic" or "Animaniacs". I used to love the Animaniacs.

I am 9 years old when I first hear the word 'lesbian'. My cousin tells me 'you can't be in here when I change or grandma will think you're a lesbian!' She doesn't explain to me what a lesbian is, but from her tone, I know I don't want to be one.

I am 11 years old, and the only person who makes my heart pump is the most popular girl in class, Katie. But I don't understand this. When asked who I have a crush on, I tell my best friend 'Danny' because he sits next to me in class and he seems nice enough.

I am 13 years old when I learn that girls can like other girls. Thrilled, I come out to my mom. She tells me it's just a phase. She's adamant.

I am 16 years old when I get my first boyfriend. He's sweet and kind to me and objectively attractive and he plays guitar. My mother is thrilled that I've put 'all this lesbian nonsense' behind me. I just want to make her happy. But I feel sick every time he kisses me. I'm more depressed than I've ever been. I stop eating.

I used to love the Animaniacs.

I am 19 when I meet the girl I want to marry. My mother won't let her come over, even though at this point my sister's boyfriend lives with us. I point out the hypocrisy of my sister getting to sleep in the same bed with her boyfriend while I can't even have my 'friend' come over during the day. My mother is furious with me.

I am 21 when she dumps me. I try to kill myself, and no hospital psych ward will take me because they don't want to deal with an anorexic on top of a suicide attempt. In the hospital I eventually end up in, my mother tries to cheer me up by telling me that all I need to 'cure' myself is 'a nice hard cock.' I remember the last time I had one of those and want to die even more. I don't know how to make her see how damaging that really is. Every time I try she acts like I'm insulting her.

I am 23 when I start to use 'they' pronouns in addition to 'she' pronouns, and identify as queer.

I am 26 and a man accused of multiple cases of r*pe has just been elected to lead this country. Millions of voters have proven that even if I had known what was happening to me when I was 8, it wouldn't have mattered, people still would have sided with him. My heart sinks in my stomach. I still haven't figured it all out.

I wish I could watch something funny like the Animaniacs, to take my mind off of this, without bile rising in my throat.

After all, I used to love the Animaniacs.

-Nym-