Disenfranchised Grief - How Do I Mourn Someone I Never Got to Meet?

November (and NaNoWriMo) is over now so I can finally post about this.

I stopped blogging rather abruptly in October, and I apologise sincerely for that. I've been struggling to figure out just how to post about what happened. As you may recall from recent-ish posts, I was very excited by the news that my sister was pregnant, due to give birth in late September/early October. She was going to have a baby boy. She was going to name him Greyson.

Then, on October 16th, I was on my way to work. I was sitting on the Q-Train, which was stuck at the station for like 15 minutes and not moving, which was some grade A MTA bullshit but that's neither here nor there right now. My mother called and I remember thinking, "it's early for her right now" so I picked up, wondering what the deal was.

"Greyson was stillborn," she said. No hello. No how are you. No are you on your way to work. Just three terrible words.

Greyson was stillborn.

You know how in movies when a character gets a terrible piece of news and the camera zooms in and turns at an angle to represent their shock? This felt like that. I was so stunned. It felt like I'd been punched in the gut, and I was reeling as my brain tried to wrap itself around what it had just heard.

I didn't understand how it could be.

I still went to work that day. I was so in shock that I couldn't think of what else to do. The news didn't really hit me until about 10 AM. And then, abruptly, I could feel the sobs tearing their way up my throat and I had to run - physically run - to the employee break room to let them out. I do count myself lucky that my coworkers are understanding, and that one of them had a sister go through the same horrible thing so she was extremely understanding.

But still, it just didn't seem fair. I was bitter. I was angry. I would see people pushing babies on the streets, or read news articles about child abuse and child neglect, and think 'why do they all get to be parents? Why do they all get to keep their babies and my sister - who wanted nothing more than motherhood, who always wanted children as far back as I can remember - have to lose her son?'

I couldn't understand why. I still don't understand why. Maybe there isn't a reason why. But the human brain doesn't like that answer and still searches.

When someone like a parent or grandparent dies, it's tragic. It sucks. I am not trying to belittle that. But when you have lived a life with someone and they go, you have the memories of that life to help you through your grief.

With Greyson we don't have that. We have nothing but my poor sister - I am the older sister; I was  supposed to protect her - bemoaning that her body has become a tomb. We don't know who Greyson would have been. We don't know how to even begin to handle this kind of grief. Are we mourning the person or the possibilities? Or both?

I'm still trying to take it day by day. For the most part I'm still living my life - I did NaNoWriMo, Sarah and I celebrated the first night of Hanukkah last night, things are going well with my girlfriend - but every time I think about it too hard I still start to cry. It's been difficult to get used to. I had so wanted to be an aunt, to buy him cute little presents and sing to him with Sarah.

I don't know how to properly mourn that in a society that tells me what mourning is and doesn't leave room for an aunt who lost a nephew. Of course my sister and her boyfriend have more right to this grief than I do, I'm not saying they don't - but it's just indescribable.

If I have seemed off to anyone who knows me in real life lately, I am sorry. I'm  still reeling.

How do I properly mourn Greyson if I have no idea who he was going to be?

-Nym

A Quick Update

For those of you wondering where I have been,

In October there was a sudden and unexpected death in my family which I am... still struggling to figure out how to deal with.

I need some time to myself.

This blog will update again in December.

Thank you all for understanding.

-Nym

Sukkot in the Twilight Zone

The title of this post is a bit facetious but this year, my Sukkot has certainly been a lot stranger and more dreamlike than in previous years. I used to celebrate it with Jewish friends back in California, so I'm no stranger to eating in the Sukkah and the overall joyful atmosphere of this holiday. But last night's celebration truly takes the cake.

First off, there's a well known anecdote about Jewish holidays about how almost every one of them can be described with "they tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat!" Sukkot isn't quite like that. It's a lot more joyous. The Torah itself commands Jews to be happy. There is feasting and singing and dancing and you get to eat outside in a little hut called a sukkah that you decorate yourself and it's a lot of fun. And you get to shake the lulav, made up of four species of plant - the citron, which has taste and fragrance; the date palm, which has taste but no fragrance; the myrtle, which has fragrance but no taste; and the willow, which has neither taste nor fragrance.

Like many other things within Judaism, there is rich symbolism to this. To some Jews, taste represents Torah and knowledge, whereas smell represents mitzvahs. Thus, the willow represents the Jew who has no knowledge of the Torah and who does not perform mitzvahs. The myrtle represents the Jew who performs mitzvahs and tries to be good but does not know a lot about Torah. The date palm represents the Jew who knows the Torah and Talmud and all the Jewish history backwards and forwards, but who may not perform any mitzvahs. And the citron represents the Jew who is knowledgeable and performs mitzvahs.

And on Sukkot, all four species are shaken together because - in theory - it is a time when all Jews are supposed to come together and celebrate, despite our differences. And last night really embodied that aspect of Sukkot for me more than I've ever experienced.

Because last night I celebrated with the ultra-Orthodox Hasidic Jews.

A Journey to World War One [WITH INTERVIEWS!]

I'm gonna skip doing a flouncy intro and just cut right to the chase - last weekend was the annual "Camp Doughboy" WWI event on Governor's Island.

Though a lot of my friends were gonna be there (many of which longtime readers of this blog will probably recognise), I actually didn't think I was gonna be able to make it this year. But I guess the gods were on my side, because one odd circumstance after another led to my Saturday being unusually free (I usually work until 6 on Saturdays!), so I hopped on the ferry to Governor's Island.

And boy am I glad I did.

World War One often gets brushed under the rug in American history, in favour of its flashy sequel. But the stakes were equally high, if not higher, and it definitely deserves a hell of a lot more lip service than it gets! I learned so much from this event! And I wanted to take the opportunity to share with you all some of what I learned.

While wikipedia will lead you to a lot of resources about the circumstances and outcomes of World War One (or "The Great War" as it was known back then) I decided to focus on something a little different - the stories that are rarely told of people who are rarely recognised for their role in the war.

Below the cut are interviews describing the roles of Native Americans, female doctors, and Hollywood starlets in the war effort. I sincerely hope you all learn something you didn't know before in reading them. Enjoy!

I'M GONNA BE AN AUNT!

I didn't post this in my last entry because I didn't want anyone ruining the surprise for my sister, who didn't know I was coming back to California - but last weekend I attended my sister's baby shower!

I'M GONNA BE AN AUNTIE!!!

She's having a bouncy baby boy (by which I mean the baby will be amab; idk how it's gonna end up identifying as an adult) and I could not be more excited. Honestly, I think I'm more excited to be an aunt than I would be to be a parent - I get to do all the fun parts and then if the baby shits or cries I can hand it back to my sister. Also I cannot wait until this kid is old enough to visit me in NYC, so I can take them places like Coney Island, the Children's Museum of Manhattan, and the Sea Glass Carousel!

And you just know that as soon as he is born I will be posting baby photos!

Congratulations to my beautiful sister. May she and her baby have nothing but happiness together.

-Nym-

On FlameCon, the Intergalactic Exchange Program, and Meeting Someone New

I know, I know, absolute word salad of a title. But this last weekend, a friend and I attended FlameCon - New York City's only (that I know of) LGBT+ comic/movie/TV/video game/overall geekery convention. And for a smaller sized two-day convention, a lot happened, including...

• My friend Lily and I went as Amilyn Holdo from "Star Wars" and Starfleet Academy Saavik from "Star Trek" (based on the Starfleet Academy uniforms from the Kelvin timeline) and made many references to an "Intergalactic Exchange Program" (also Amilyn and Saavik are both lesbians and you cannot convince me otherwise.)
• I met my favourite webcomic artist of all time, and she was so nice to me! I was a little (okay, a LOT) nervous because I've met other webcomic artists in the past who were not so warm and cordial. But Megan Rose Gedris, I'm pleased to report, was genuinely kind and inspiring. Plus the glitter in her updo looked SO GOOD.
• I made tentative plans to maaaaaaybe attend a Star Trek convention in the near future. More on that (if it ends up happening) in the future.
• I met someone new...

They are not pictured in this photo, I just wanted to show off our intergalactic exchange program.

If I know my audience (and I do know some of you irl), it's that last point that a lot of you will inevitably be curious about.

There's honestly not much to tell (yet) but here's the main breakdown of how we met...

At the con itself, there was a lesbian/sapphic meetup, which of course Amilyn and Saavik (and the sapphic cosplayers portraying them - aka us) had to go check out. And in that room full of women and women-aligned folk who loved women and other women-aligned folk, the conversation soon turned to lesbians' seeming inability to ask women out or even flirt with them.

And then I remembered the "Useless Lesbian" cards Sarah made me a few months back:

This is the front. The back has my photo and a little blurb about me

I figured that if anyone would appreciate these cards, it would be this group of people, so of course I handed out the few I happened to have in the bottom of my bag. Much to my surprise, though, far from just getting laughs (though I got plenty of those), I actually was approached by someone and asked for my phone number. This was surprising for many reasons, not least of which that I was in full Vulcan make-up, with the upturned eyebrows and the pointed ears and everything.

But I gave it, and we began texting back and forth. And then we went on our first date a few nights ago. And it... it went really well! Though I hesitate to put a label on this just yet, and though we're really just taking it kind of slow for now, I really like them. I think we're really compatible.

And I'm genuinely surprised that it worked out the way it did. I haven't had much luck when actively seeking out dates, either online or out in places like Stonewall. I'm still working through a plethora of self esteem issues that make me hesitate to talk to people the way I wish I could. A couple months ago I had a minor flirtation with someone but it never extended past that.

But this is different, somehow. It just feels a lot more natural. And it just kind of... happened, without me really looking that hard for it.

I'm really really looking forward to seeing where this goes. Our second date is next weekend (I wish it could be sooner but I have a lot to take care of this weekend, but at least we text every evening) and so far it's going great. I like them a lot. I think meeting them was the best thing that happened at FlameCon.

Con season isn't over yet! I will be attending NYCC as Dr McCoy, and possibly Northeast Trek Con in Albany (not sure yet if I wanna do that as Saavik or McCoy)

Dif-tor heh smusma! (That's "Live Long and Prosper" in Vulcan!)

-Nym

Oh, Canada!

So I've been more or less fairly silent on the blog, and for that I am sorry, but I've been so busy planning the vacation Sarah and I took for her birthday! I'm pretty proud of myself as I planned this entire vacation all by myself, a major step in adulting if I do say so myself. We went to Niagara Falls, Canada!

We did a pretty good mix of activities, too - from the nature related (taking a boat up to the falls, and taking a nature walk downriver), to touristy (look I know Clifton Hill is cheesy but we were on vacation and we love kitsch), to living like the real Canadians (by which I mean we ate a lot of Tim Horton's)

It was a short trip, yes - but it was a much-needed fun one!