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| Swimming away from my problems be like... |
Early one morning before people had gotten up, a man from Myrdal in the east was walking past some cliffs when he came to the entrance to a cave. He could hear that there was merrymaking and dancing going on inside the hill, and outside he saw a large number of sealskins. He picked up one of them, took it home, and locked it in his trunk. Some time later, in the course of the day, he went back to the cave's entrance. A beautiful young girl was sitting there. She was entirely naked and crying bitterly. She was the seal to whom the skin belonged that the man had taken. The man gave the girl some clothing, comforted her, and took her home with him.
Later she came to accept him, but never got along very well with other people. She would often just sit there and look out to sea. After some time the man took her as his wife. They lived well together and had many children.
The peasant hid the skin, locking it securely in his trunk, and he carried the key with him everywhere he went.
Many years later he rowed out fishing and forgot the key at home under his pillow.
However, others say that the peasant went to a Christmas service with his people, but that his wife had been sick and was unable to go with them. They say that he forgot to take the key out of the pocket of his everyday clothes when he changed. When he arrived home that evening the trunk was open, and his wife had disappeared with the skin. She had found the key, out of curiosity looked through the trunk, and found the skin.
She could not resist the temptation. She said farewell to her children, put on the skin, and threw herself into the sea.
Before the woman jumped into the sea, it is reported that she said:
This I want, and yet I want it not, --
Seven children have I at the bottom of the sea,
Seven children have I as well here above.
It is said that this touched the peasant's heart. After this, when he rowed out fishing, a seal often swam around his boat, and it seemed that tears were running from its eyes. From this time on he was always successful catching fish, and luck often came to his beach.
People frequently saw this couple's children walking on the beach while a seal swam along out in the sea accompanying them. It would throw colorful fish and pretty shells to them.
But the mother never again returned to land.~ "Selshamurinn" ("The Seal-Skin") as told by Jón Árnason
So I've started therapy. I've been at it for about a month and it is honestly so god damned weird sometimes but also I cannot recommend it enough. So far it's already been very helpful in getting me to begin to recognise when someone is unintentionally hurting me and how I can deal with that productively.
But it's also helping me recognise that I apologise too much. My therapist - hereafter referred to as "Dr. G" - asked me why I think this is. I guess on some level, due to past trauma, I'm afraid of displeasing anyone, but she also helped me to recognise that this fear is no longer serving me, and that I don't need to be so apologetic about taking up space. About existing. I'm not explaining this as well as she did, but I am trying to be more mindful about this, to stop apologising for every little damn thing and to stop putting myself out there and meddling in people's business every time I think there might be the smallest chance they might be mad at me. It's... easier said than done.
Dr. G, in trying to help me come up with a method of recognising when I am doing this, noticed that I was wearing my favourite socks that I own and asked "why not take on a seal as your personal power animal?"
I said "you mean like a fylgja?" because I am a white Heathen and have no right to the phrase "Spirit Animal" or its variants. (In fact, you shouldn't be using that phrase either.)
This is what I mean about therapy being weird. But what's weirder is that it's working.
For those who are unaware, seals are one of my absolute favourite animals. (And I am including sea lions under that definition - true seals are known as 'earless seals' and sea lions belong with furred seals under the 'eared seals' category according to the National Park Service so THERE.)
I should note that part of why I was wearing the socks is that recently it was International Day of the Seal... But anyway, Dr. G and I got to talking about why I like them so much, though, and a lot of the things I like about them are things I should work on...
- Seals are round animals. They have no body image issues. They love to eat and they love to slap their fat lil bellies and it's fucking adorable. They are also still majestic in the water.
- Seals are unapologetic. If a seal wants to take up space, they will take up space. If a seal wants to be loud, they will be loud. If a seal is displeased with another seal, they will not take their shit - they will bark in the other seal's face until seal#2 backs off.
- Seals are highly intelligent, curious, and social creatures who will investigate anything that catches their interest without worrying too much about what anyone else might think.
- Seals do not say sorry too much. Seals are happy. And everyone loves them - who can look a seal directly in their cute little face and not wanna smile?
Also seals are nostalgic for me. Or more specifically, California Sea Lions are nostalgic for me. In the part of California where I grew up, I cannot remember ever going to the beach and not seeing sea lions. They're all over the San Francisco and Santa Cruz shorelines - in fact I have been less than a foot away from them before. (You should not approach wild animals like that, but sea lions, being very social and curious, will sometimes swim right up to you. It's awe-inspiring and adorable and when it happens you should stay still and admire them calmly until they swim away. That's what I did.)
Not to mention I grew up reading and watching selkie stories. I told Dr. G this, and mentioned that most selkie stories are sad... but she said "why?" to that, as well. I've noticed that happens a lot in therapy. I'll say something that I've never once questioned the truth of, and Dr. G will ask why I believe it so, and I have to confront that not all my assumptions are true. Therapy is, I'm learning, a lot of questioning of assumptions. Dr. G said that in most selkie stories, the selkie weathers years of borderline abuse (or at least disrespect), true, but at the end of it all she always is able to endure the storm and go on to a better, more free life, out at sea. So maybe the lesson I should be drawing from those stories I love is not "people will keep you captive and hurt you" but rather "no matter how bad things get, there is always hope for a better future." So seals represent freedom and hope to me as well.
Dr. G also knows of my Heathenry and it's worth mentioning that Loki, one of the Norse gods I work with, turned into a seal in one of his myths. As working with Loki has helped me to begin to confront my mental health issues - and to seek therapy in the first place - seals can also represent healing.
Since I had such a good week last week, Dr. G recommended that I reward myself, and I did so by going to the New York Aquarium yesterday to watch the seals.
Also, to remind myself of all of this - of being unapologetically myself, of hope and healing, of my mission to better myself - after therapy I went to a small toy store in Grand Central Terminal and got myself a tiny harbour seal (pictured at right from an event I went to on Sunday).
His name is Gilbert and I have been carrying him around and every time I feel like apologising I reach in to feel his sculpted fat rolls and even I think I'm being fucking bizarre when I do it, but it does seem to be working.
I don't understand how therapy works. Or how seals have become a symbol of my own health journey, or why that actually seems to be working for me. (Possibly because the suggestion was so out of left field that it's impossible for me to forget about doing it.) Of course, Dr. G does still have me doing more traditional mental health exercises (like journal prompts she suggests for me) but the seal thing is something just for me and hey, if it works it works. (Loki approves, as does Thor, another main deity of mine.)
Good things that happened to me this week
- I was initiated into North River Kindred a local Heathen group that I am so proud to be a part of. They do really good work in inclusive Heathenry, serving the gods and ancestors and land spirits as well as the community, and I'm not going to apologise for admitting that it's really nice to be a part of that. I hope in the following year I can continue to further my own spiritual practise as well as doing what I can to help my kindred
- I gave an informal talk on Sunday night as part of the Museum Girls, Guys, and Guests group that I am a part of. My talk was about the Varangian Guard and I like to think I did a good job.
- Sarah and I got to eat some really delicious hamentaschen since it was just Purim last week.
- I finally found an app that has Icelandic lessons, since DuoLingo does not offer Icelandic. MangoSeed does though!
- "Buzzfeed Unsolved" is back! (It's one of my fave webseries)
- And as I said, I got to go to the New York Aquarium yesterday and spend some quality time with my seal buddies. I think it's really gonna work out well taking on seals as a sort of symbolic fylgja.
Hail the seal, may I one day be as confident as one of my flippered friends.
~Nym~
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