Venting About my New York Panic

This is going to be a not-entirely-coherent vent post because I feel like I just need to get it out.

I've been wondering lately if perhaps I really am just fucking insane, going over to New York City with nothing but a couple thousand dollars and a bachelor's degree. I know a lot of people are successful with far less than that in NYC, but as my flight date draws closer and begins to feel real I'm starting to get very anxious. What if my anxiety is right and I am destined for failure? I had a rather severe anxiety attack about it the other night, in fact, set off by the fact that SJSU has not mailed me my degree yet even though it's posted to my transcripts. (A friend told me 'since the original premise is wrong, the rest of that is wrong too' which was sweet and helpful of him to say, but the anxiety is still there.)

Don't get me wrong, I'm still gonna go. I feel like I have to do this. I have something to prove to myself. I don't know what but all signs I've gotten have pointed towards needing to do this. That doesn't mean I'm not secretly scared out of my fucking mind, though. I'm going over to something completely unknown - of course it's scary. Not knowing things is terrifying. Once I'm there I think I'll be okay but the not knowing is the worst!


So it's definitely not that I don't want to go. I want 100000% to go, to be with Sarah and tons of museums and to try and get into Columbia, and I'm very excited for New York even if I expect to be poor.

But at the same time...

I mean...

Part of me does feel guilty about just up and leaving. I know my family will miss me and are sad I didn't choose to move closer. I don't want my mother to resent me (even though sometimes she already kind of seems to). I don't know, it's complicated. It's been hard trying to explain to them that there are multiple factors in the decision, and I feel that New York does have more opportunities for me and it's not just that I'm trying to get away from my family. (Well in some aspects I kind of am, but I can't tell them that.)

It's impossible to know for sure yet, but I do feel that this is what's right for me. And for Sarah. I have to do right by Sarah. Everyone in my family are adults, and will have to learn to deal with it. I mean, for fuck's sake, my mother was he one who told me to grow the fuck out and move the fuck out in the first place!

The saddest thing about it is that of course I'm absolutely fucking terrified about completely overhauling my life. But sometimes I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it. My mother will just see it as "well maybe you're making the wrong choice and shouldn't move" when I don't mean it like that at all.

And I'm afraid that if I tell Sarah it'll give her the wrong idea and make her think that she pressured me into it or whatever, which is so not the case. I don't want her to convince herself that she's somehow responsible for my anxieties instead of it being that I'm just naturally an anxious person. I can't hurt her like that, I just can't. In fact, I feel like a lot of my friends want me to stay and that just makes me feel worse.

I do have friends who have moved across the country before. They might have advice for this but I don't even know how to approach that conversation. Why am I so bad at asking for help?

Honestly, I just needed to vent. Thanks for reading,
Nym