I'm Here, I'm Queer, and God Is It Lonely

I want to fall in love so bad.

It's illogical, of course. Yes, there's that cute security guard in the library at school that I sometimes consider smiling at, but I don't really have a lot of dating options right now, not with a big move looming on the horizon. And San Jose has a significantly lower number of wlw than nearby San Francisco or Santa Cruz (probably because this city is filling up with tech bros and all the queer lady-identified folks like me are leaving).

It's completely impractical of me to want to date someone. But it doesn't stop me from wanting it.


I've been single-ish for nearly five years now. My last relationship was terribly unhealthy and codependent, and though it didn't seem like it at the time (I thought we were going to get married and she dumped me at a public party in front of everyone) and although it threw me into a deep depression which resulted in a suicide attempt, at the end of it all I was lucky to get out of it.

After that relationship, I needed to take some time for myself, obviously. I mean, I was processing a lot of unpleasant shit, it absolutely would not have been fair to try and drag some other lesbian/bi/pan chick into that hot mess. I figured I would heal, then put myself back out there. And after about a year or so, I did just that. I put myself back out there.

And nothing happened.

I mean, sure I made out with one of my friends once. But that's about it. Not even so much as a bad blind date. Honestly, I feel a little ripped off.

I don't know if I just don't know how to meet people or what. Part of it may be that the LGBT community, for better or for worse, seems to be very into hitting the clubs and drinking til the sun rises and that is so not my scene. I find clubbing exhausting and I hate being drunk, especially around strangers. But I'm not the only introverted lesbian around. I know this. I've considered signing up for Pink Cupid (a lesbian dating site) multiple times, too, but I always chicken out at the last second.

Maybe it is for the best if I just wait until I'm in New York. Even if I did miraculously manage to meet a girl here in California who was interested in me, I'm leaving before the end of the year. I'm abandoning her to go across the country for another woman. Any girl I did date would have to accept that Sarah is the most important person in my life, and my datemate comes second. That's asking a lot of someone, to accept second place. Sarah is my person, not whoever is buying me dinner and trying to get into my pants. Is that fair?

(And for those of you about to shout "just keep it casual! You can just go on dates without making it something serious!" - need I remind you how amazingly awkward I am around new people?)

My emotional needs for companionship are more or less being met by Sarah, but I don't have the emotions for her that I would for, say, that cute security guard. I want to go on dates. I want to make out with someone. I want to fall in love. And no matter how much my brain tells me "WAIT TIL YOU GET TO THE EAST COAST" I'm impatient. I want it now. I've waited five years.

There's a big lesbian scene in New York City, anyway. Even if I ignore the club and bar scene, there's the LGBT Community Centre, the Leslie Lohmann Museum of Gay and Lesbian Art, the Lesbian Herstory Archives. Just statistically, I have a higher chance of meeting someone there. Still not sure if I will or not, but there's a chance.

But until then I am lonely.

-Nym-